Abuse Defined

I remember the first time I understood I had been in an abusive marriage. I wish I would have been familiar with the signs before but most don’t.

The lies and justifications he told himself and me that who I was or wasn’t gave him him permission to act out is a thinking problem. He communicated that to me and others especially in the divorce process. Major blame shifting. Now I know there is NOTHING I could have been, done, behaved or changed that gave him ANY excuse to choose what he did. That responsibility is solely his. I love that I can make changes moving forward and recognize that much of my responses came from knowing things even though I didn’t really know or I couldn’t prove it.

The person that he presented himself as to me was a cover yet had so much power because I and everyone around us actually believed that’s who he was. In his other life people knew him as the party guy, gambling and going to strip clubs. The “good guy” facade really blew a lot of minds when the truth came forward and that’s what he continued to choose. I heard so often others shock and confusion in seeing what he was now choosing yet he had been living and choosing those things everyday for years. Those in my life, including me, just didn’t see it so it wasn’t an abrupt difference or change for him at all. He’d chosen it all along and actually expressed relief in having it in the open so he could really be himself. Very much an integrity issue.

I do not miss his lack of empathy. I couldn’t understand why until after the truth came out. For years I had been told I was too demanding and required so much. Now I love that I can cry when I feel it and not experience embarrassment, weakness, feeling needy or ashamed. I love that when I hurt emotionally or physically someone can hug and hold me. I definitely see a drastic difference to him rolling his eyes and staring at me numb when I ever had emotions and hurt. Never again will I tolerate being in a relationship where I feel like something is wrong with me because I feel and want to share with my partner.

It’s not “just porn” because it absolutely had an effect on us. Even if I didn’t know why.

#emotionalabuse #betrayaltruama #divorce #healing #hope #healthylifestyle #pornkillslove