This once deleted photo recently popped up. It carries so much emotional weight.

I waited another late Friday night for him to come home from “work” so we could go to our yearly couples Halloween party. He walked in from traveling and gave me a greeting that one would assume you should give your wife of 21 years but felt very forced and cold. I was trained to not be upset because he was working hard for our family.

That night I felt so fake. Another couple was getting divorced and that came up in conversation. I knew that I was in therapy because he wanted a divorce. I also knew that my marriage was really bad and I wasn’t happy. I knew that we may also be divorced by the next year and then we would be a topic of conversation.

One of our friends made comments to us about how lucky he was that I was his wife and why. I knew that he didn’t think that and he wasn’t attracted to me at all. It was uncomfortable to stand by each other for pictures and act like we were a couple. His touch felt icy yet I wanted it to be different.

I realize now I was wearing a mask to hide my pain and heartache. Sadly, at this time I believed it was all because of me.

My therapist had encouraged me to find a way to talk to him since the stonewalling was prominent. I texted him while we were both in our house to see if he could meet me to talk. He agreed in a few days and for only 30 minutes where I wasn’t allowed to share.

I sat with a pad of paper and took notes as he declared how he was so simple and didn’t require much. I was demanding, mean and didn’t value how hard he worked for the family. And, if I couldn’t trust him our marriage would never work.

So, I asked even less questions, took on more responsibility, and wiped another clean slate of his consistent lies.

What a devastation and relief when a few months later his mask fell off. His managing two lives was actually quite complicated. I had willingly taken so much of the responsibilities I made it so easy for him to do what he did. I bent in very unhealthy ways in an effort to save what was a lie.

I am SO thankful to be where I am now. My D-day saved me and got me out.

How did you feel when the mask fell off?