"Broken and Beautiful"

One of my goals this year is to celebrate that I am “broken and beautiful.”

I know that in my trauma there is two layers. First, the initial discovery and what came with that shattered life.

Then came the new reality of how I saw life and the rebuilding with trusting myself again.

The infidelity, constant lies, financial devastation, recognition of the many forms of abuse and deceit that led to divorce was certainly a contributor to my betrayal trauma. But not as much as the embracing my new lens I am now forced to see life through.

I know it is not my responsibility to shield him from the consequences of his choices. I know that when he hurts I am his target to take it out on because I am one of the few that hold him accountable. I know that I can’t put out his fires he sets to justify his behaviors. I know that when he blames me for things it is not mine to accept. I know that those that really know me also know the truth.

I also know that I have slowly rebuilt myself back together and in that process I have gained empathy, strength, determination, knowledge, confidence and a love for myself that I never knew was possible. I confirmed my role as a mom and learned to accept and listen to my emotions and my body.

I love that the pains attached to my Christmas D-day feel so far away. The days have been replaced with many more amazing memories with Mark and what we are building with our beautiful family.

I know that my wounds are deep and that my healing process may be a lifetime. I know that there are a lot of suppressed memories that surface in doses that I have to process seeing them with the angle I have now.

I know that being broken only names that I am reviving but I am not defeated. I want to be more patient with myself in my process of rebirth and instead acknowledge that it is painstakingly beautiful.

What do you do to be patient with yourself in your healing process?

I love the song “Broken and Beautiful” by Calee Reed. The video and words speak to my soul.

Watch it here: