I remember a few years ago when the truth of my life came forward I felt so lost. I couldn’t fathom ever recovering from the devastation I felt. I leaned heavily on others in similar situations that had progressed ahead of me as well as the knowledge I had in my own life experiences and trials. Even after my mom died I was heart broken but life moved on.

Now it is crazy to think I ever lived and was married to him for 21 years. Because the person I thought he was all that time didn’t exist I instead experienced a death more than a divorce. I now know this is common in betrayal trauma.

I now have few recollections of him and when I see a picture it is like seeing another part of my life that still doesn’t have full clarity. Some are still painful because now the truth has tainted my remembrance of the moment but luckily I’ve learned how to feel and then release it.

With time days of significance have just become days. I have separated and replaced him away from so many memories and emotions that they are either pleasant again or simply forgotten and let go.

And just as those before me had promised and I remembered with time comes healing and perspective.

Each New Year I get to measure and see my progress. I am so excited to add another one under my belt as the catastrophic events of my past keep getting farther away from me. I know 2020 was rough for many and I too have endured new unpredictable trials. But I have also learned to be even more resilient, faithful, hopeful and optimistic when times get tough. I choose to keep moving forward and upward.

This picture is only one ledge of a big mountain I climbed. When I feel I have taken steps backwards now I know I have just reached a new level of healing and that’s why it’s difficult again. I instead have conquered and not gone in reverse. In addition I also now have learned to give myself permission to feel and express emotions appropriately to my bodies reactions. And sometimes it is pretty intense but it restores my health.

I can’t wait to keep scaling skyward to see what is waiting for me at the very top!

Cheers to 2021! And Happy New Year!

@marnibown #betrayaltrauma #addiction #hope #triggers #healing #progressnotperfection