After knowing he didn’t want to change I decided to let go of my marriage of 21 years. Once he moved everything out it was like a fog was lifted and the home felt cleansed.
He didn’t buy me many gifts in our marriage so collecting those to throw in the trash didn’t take long. I had convinced myself that I didn’t need gifts at all because he didn’t do that and it is true I would rather travel. I now knew he was capable of buying and giving gifts and even planning fun dates, it just wasn’t for me. I saw he spent more money on other girls in the last six months alone than me our whole marriage.
He took a gift idea I thought was special to us and instead gave the same thing to a “high end” prostitute that when I talked to her she didn’t even know what it was. I remember a time he complimented me on what I was wearing because it didn’t happen very often and it made me feel good. He asked where I got my outfit too and what I know now is shortly after he took a prostitute shopping at that store to pick out something cute for herself to match her newly polished fingers and toes from their time spent together at the spa. He did this for her while he was also paying for her to spend time with him. He knew what girls might like to do and get because of me, his wife!
Seeing those transactions and receipts were like daggers in my heart. I am very sentimental about gifts given to me but his gifts no longer held value with the new truth and they just cluttered my closet, my head and my heart.
I finally just got rid of my wedding dress as my final item I still had in my home. When I put it on I was surprised my memories turned to those that loved and supported me during that time especially because I had just lost my mom. Many of them still do. I was young but I knew I was supposed to marry him and now I know it was to get my kids. I also know that the person I agreed to marry doesn’t exist. I know I gave everything and all of me to my marriage and it was one sided. I know I am not perfect but I didn’t deserve what happened to me. I know the person that spoke he loved me was choosing to betray me everyday.
What can you declutter in your life? When we declutter not just physical things but also negative self talk we create a space for positive light and encouragement for ourselves.
I work everyday to get his gaslighting out of my head. When I feel an emotion I want to address it and ask myself “Why am I feeling this way?” Most of the time it stems from my betrayal trauma. This helps me have more self compassion for myself and work through it and replace it with hope instead of negative self talk.
Find ways to declutter “your home, or your head, or your heart…” Let us all Spring clean our lives to let self love and goodness replace those negative space”