After my discovery I absorbed his lies and felt dirty and dark. This included his explanation that he had an affair with one healthy person one time because he has been unhappy for a long time. When my truth of seeing a financial devastation over the years pointing to porn, strip clubs, prostitutes, drinking, substance abuse and alias names in his double life I still felt the need to protect our family from his choices and the shame.
I accidentally slipped out a portion of the truth to my sister-in-law and she immediately brought by this painting “Hand of God” by Yongsung Kim. I wept as it spoke to my soul because for so long I had expressed in my marriage the feelings of drowning in my life but instead of getting help I was being handed bricks. I felt exhausted all the time and couldn’t pin point why so I would just work harder to fix myself. I would ask my friends how they were making their marriage work and couldn’t seem to understand or make sense why mine seemed so different and difficult.
Now I know it was to hide his addiction and our marriage wasn’t a companionship working together. To protect his lies he created the view he wanted me to see about myself and because I believed he was my equal I valued his perception. He had something for me to work on myself with yet I still couldn’t make him happy. Now I see how he was the victim and denied the truth to protect his ego and secret life. I wanted to believe I was a good person, wife and mom and because I trusted him, his approval mattered more than what I thought about myself.
I have since learned that although we are all commanded to forgive it is not my responsibility to shield him from his choices and the consequences that follow. I know the Atonement is real for ALL of us. I also know that his story became my story and part of my healing is to acknowledge and share my truth. There has been so much freedom in letting his choices go away from me.
I was reminded in this painting that I can count on Christ. I must have the faith to always look to Him. I have faith to take my first step and I have faith that when I stumble and call out “Lord save me” He will always come. He literally saved me from drowning in my life and now I have seen His hand that was there all along, I just couldn’t see it to grab it. I pray we may be able to look up and know that He is always there. We just need to have the faith and be willing to have Him help. Faith is not believing that God can, it is knowing that God will!
Winston Porter Douberly Faith is Not Believing That God can it's Knowing That he Will Wall Decal & Reviews | Wayfair