What does forgiveness look like to you?

In my research I have found that one of the hardest parts has been forgiving myself.

In marriage I present all of my good and bad to be judged and hopefully supported by my spouse. In my previous marriage I believed he was doing the same but what I know now is that he was gaslighting me to believe only what he was willing to show me.

Naturally I would go to him searching for help, support and safety because at times I was struggling to feel adequate as a wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend. In the last years I described it to him as drowning in my life except instead of his help I felt I was being handed bricks.

My understanding was that I was the problem and I needed to figure it out on my own. I asked less of him and worked harder on myself. He knew what he was doing yet he blamed me. I didn’t have a partner but someone that was knowingly betraying me and allowing me to believe the truth was different.

I worked hard on forgiving myself for believing what he was saying to me. To forgive myself that I wasn’t pretty, sexy or good enough and the shame I felt in that. To forgive that I took my heavy responsibilities, failures, frustrations and the lack of communication with him towards my children. To forgive myself that I was responsible for the tone of the home that felt dark and tense yet I couldn’t fix it. To forgive myself for not having the marriage I wanted. To forgive it was my responsibility to make him happy. To forgive my own expectations of wanting to be happy yet knowing that I wasn’t.

These are just some of the bricks that he handed me. I work to forgive that I accepted them instead of letting them go and the fact that I believed I deserved each brick he gave me.

What can you do to forgive yourself?

Forgiveness is just one of the topics we will be sharing in my 12 week women’s group coaching session, the University of YOU!

Register at https://marnibown-womensgroup.youcanbook.me

#lifecoach #groupcoaching #healing #boundaries #betrayaltrauma #grief #forgiveness #gaslighting #darvo #abandonment #griefcycle #hope #grace #infidelity #divorce #remarriage #selflove #selfcare #emotionalabuse