In my research of forgiveness I found that one of the hardest parts has been forgiving myself.

In my first marriage I presented all of myself to be seen and hopefully supported by my spouse. I believed he was doing the same but what I know now is that he had a secret sexual basement and was gaslighting me to believe only what he was willing to show me. He believed he was only hurting himself but the toxicity of its existence seeped into our daily lives. I could sense it, just not name it.

At times I would go to him searching for help, support, safety and answers because naturally I was struggling and overwhelmed. In the last years I even described it to him as drowning in my life except instead of getting help I felt he was handing me bricks.

I would often leave those conversations with what I know are forms of emotional abuse called gaslighting and DARVO. My belief was that I was the problem and I needed to figure it out on my own. I asked less of him and worked harder on myself. He knew what he was choosing yet he blamed me. I didn’t have a partner but someone that was knowingly betraying me and allowing me to believe our truth was different. He resented the accountability marriage held him to.

I have worked to forgive myself for believing his lies. To forgive myself that I wasn’t pretty, sexy or good enough and the shame I felt in that. To forgive that some of my heavy responsibilities, failures, frustrations and the lack of communication in my marriage affected my environment. To forgive myself that I was responsible for the tone of the home that felt dark and tense yet I couldn’t fix it. To forgive myself for not having the marriage I wanted. To forgive it was my responsibility to make him happy. To forgive my own expectations of wanting to be happy yet knowing that I wasn’t.

These are just some of the bricks that were handed to me. I work to forgive that I accepted them instead of letting them go and that I believed I deserved each brick he gave me.

What can you do to stop gaslighting yourself? Are you still taking responsibility of the relationship and holding all the bricks?

#betrayaltrauma#divorce#addiction#selfforgiveness#hope#healing