Some of the emotional abuse that occurred in my marriage was given the name gaslighting. The word comes from the 1944 movie called “Gaslight.”
The definition of gaslight is a “form of psychological manipulation in which a person… covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem. “
Seeing now how the person I trusted the very most was intentionally doing this to me overwhelms my heart, brain, and soul. I now look in the mirror and know that I am a different person than he tells me and that he is a different person then he is telling everyone because he is more concerned of how he looks than how he really lives. He compromised his integrity of who he proclaims to be and ignores it to protect his ego and addiction.
He didn’t see me as an equal but valued me for the illusion I helped create as we were viewed from the outside in as “normal and healthy.” My strengths and talents helped hide all his lies and the deception he needed to create so others would see him the way he hoped. And in the process I also believed the lies too and even worse was that any problems were all my fault. He came up with lies and excuses that my soul fought to believe yet my brain was forced to make sense and believe its false truth. Sadly I believed how he wanted to see myself and even when I shared my insecurities and how I felt inadequate instead of loving and and supporting me he used that to control and manipulate me for his benefit and to gain control.
I look back and try to see any truth and now knowing he had problems before I even knew him helps resolve some of the shame I feel for being married to someone living a double life and not ever knowing it was even possible. The abuse process was slow as I lived in a false reality and the effects are something I still battle everyday. He is a master in creating confusion in me, misdirecting my reality and damaging my intuition and judgement. He replaced my reality with his agenda to keep his secret life a secret and the more he could convince of his alternate reality the more it became a truth with power.
I hope that anyone that feels they can sense confusion in any relationship where you have to make explanations make sense or you feel like you are a bit crazy to consider gaslighting. This is so hard to see because it’s usually by those we trust the very most but I am a big believer now in our own intuition and not allowing others to trump the trust we should have in ourselves.