I remember a few times in my life when the common phrase “How are you doing?” was asked and I had a new perspective.
One was when I was a teenager and they were asking the question because my mom had cancer. I knew people were asking out of concern but did they really want to hear that she has been throwing up all night for a week because the new drugs she is taking to help keep her alive are actually so toxic destroying her cancer she also is so sick? I didn’t think so, so usually I would just say “Fine thanks. And you?” And usually they didn’t go beyond the same response not really saying how they were really doing either.
The other time was after people started finding out about the betrayal in my marriage. Sometimes I could tell if they knew what was going on by the tone and fluctuation in their voice asking me. Usually it was just the passing phrase we commonly say to make conversation. But the answer I had hiding behind the question was actually quite loaded and sometimes I felt I could share and other times I just needed my privacy. I remember consciously coming up with the answer as “Fine.” because I was so sick of lies but I was definitely not “Good.” But one day I actually started answering “We are doing well!” and I meant it. That was a day of progress.
I know everyone has experienced trauma especially right now because of all the uncertainty in our normal routines. I know I feel a bit of panic and less control. I have stepped out of my betrayal trauma into just the phrase “trauma” with all that’s in the news and my life as a single mom.
I love this article by Lori Gottlieb in The NY Times talking about mourning the losses when it comes to the Coronavirus. I know I have experienced so many new losses in my new life but I believe this applies to everyone. We are all experiencing a “new” life and know someone that doesn’t possibly get the traditional graduation, prom, birth, funeral or missionary homecoming.
I pray we can all recognize our trauma and losses currently and take time to acknowledge, grieve and process it as well. I pray we can ask “How are you?” with a real intent to listen and act.
Let’s prayerfully be in tune to serve each other at the time. We have such amazing ways in technology to communicate and see each others faces and hear our voices. With everyone having limited contact and adult interaction I encourage you to reach out to someone today. I also encourage us to make time for ourselves. Self care, dates with loved ones, down time with children, finding time to laugh, to connect with other adults and getting fresh air are essential to our living.
Ask yourself honestly…”How are you?” And be willing to act on your personal needs as well.