My October Book Club recommendation is “How To Avoid Falling In Love With a Jerk” by John Van Epp Ph.D.

This book teaches how to build healthy, lasting relationships by taking things slowly and intentionally. Then you can really see who a person is before getting emotionally or physically attached. It’s about using your head and your heart wisely — not ignoring red flags because of chemistry, attraction, or loneliness.

Here are the concepts, including the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM).

Dr. Van Epp explains that relationships have five key “connections”:

1. Know (how well you understand the person)

2. Trust (how much you rely on them)

3. Rely (how dependable they are)

4. Commit (how dedicated each of you is)

5. Touch (your level of physical intimacy)

The principles support that you should not be able to trust someone more than you know them, or rely on them more than you trust them. Jumping ahead (especially physically or emotionally) before building a solid foundation can cloud your judgment.

I love his emphasis on taking time, at least three months.

The book also emphasizes the importance of time and observation. Patterns of behavior and character don’t show up right away. Give the relationship enough time to see how the other person handles stress, conflict, and everyday life.

Be sure to watch for Red Flags and

pay attention to how the person treats others, handles anger, talks about exes, and deals with responsibility.

The book highlights five main “danger zones”:

• Too fast (rushing intimacy or commitment)

• Too needy (emotional dependency)

• Too selfish (lack of empathy or respect)

• Too controlling (possessiveness, manipulation)

• Too untrustworthy (dishonesty, inconsistency)

It’s easy to let chemistry or attraction make decisions for you. The book suggests balancing emotional feelings with rational assessment — essentially, don’t let your heart outrun your head.

Compatibility feels nice, but character is what sustains a relationship. Look for integrity, empathy, and responsibility — not just shared hobbies or attraction.

Use dating as a way to gather data. Observe, ask questions, and pay attention to patterns.

#bookclub