I have struggled in telling my story to know exactly what my truth is. If my life is a book I know all the details of the chapters for the first 19 years of my life. It’s the next 21 years that it gets blurry. I know what I thought my life was and I even have several journals containing an account of my perspective. Is that my story? Or is my story what I know about the new found truths of his lies and betrayals?

The other day it hit me as I was watching the series of Survivor. As viewers we can see the whole story with hidden idols, alliances that even lead to massive blindsides. But those playing in the game are playing with the knowledge they have at the time.
My ultimate blindside was on a Christmas morning at 2 AM when I read the contents of his work phone. It was such a shock to me that I actually believed his phone was hacked even though he had fallen asleep mid sentence and I saw pictures he sent to them. I couldn’t comprehend that the person I believed he was could possible talk the way he was because I didn’t think he knew how.
My heart, body and soul were in a constant conflict for years with what I felt and what had to make sense with the knowledge I had in front of me. But as God as my viewer He knows how our two truths intertwined. The people involved in his double life existed and knew him too, just differently than my world.
This has offered me continued clarity and peace that even though I don’t even know all his truth I know enough to know that’s why I removed myself from my marriage. Any new information is just an added confirmation to what I already know.
Yes, I am a victim of abuse and I have been victimized. Yet I also see myself as a survivor and by acknowledging and sharing my true story I know I help others that have a dim light. And my story is more meaningful to me because we all come together with light because I need others support and love too as I heal.
Today Katy Perry’s song “Wide Awake” played from my phone and as I listened to the words I realized this song describes my betrayal trauma. Read the words and take a listen. My favorite stand out points are…
“Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart…
How did I read the stars so wrong…
And now it’s clear to me
That everything you see
Ain’t always what it seems…
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up on
On the concrete
Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight
I’m falling from cloud nine
I’m wide awake
Not losing any sleep
Picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I’m wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself, no
I’m wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Out of the lion’s den
I don’t have to pretend
And it’s too late
The story’s over now, the end…
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I am trying to hold on
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
But I’m not blind anymore
I’m wide awake…
Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight…”
This is so empowering to me. I blasted it and sang along because I do know God knows I tried my best with the information I had at the time. I couldn’t have done it any differently and I can’t fault myself for that. I have landed on my feet and I am not blind anymore! I am a survivor and with it I am definitely born again!!!
(Lyrics taken from katyperry.com)