“If He’s So Great, Why Do I Feel So Bad?”

My September Book Club recommendation is “ If He Is So Great, Why Do I Feel So Bad?” by Avery Neal.

I remember the first time I attended a therapist lead betrayal trauma group. Being new someone shared their story first and then it was my turn. I started off stating I had not been in a abusive relationship because he had never been mean to me, hit me, or yelled at me but instead was encouraging and supportive. I explained how simple he was and then went on to tell my experience.

It didn’t take long for the therapist to interrupt me and demand I understand and see that I have absolutely been in an abusive relationship! Especially an emotionally and physiologically one that continued even after we were divorced.

She pointed out all the lies, gaslighting, withdrawing, stonewalling, lack of communication, blameshifting and DARVO that just touched the surface in those few minutes.

After that call I had to crawl in bed and take a nap because of the overwhelming hurt and discovery of another truth about my life with a newfound healing vocabulary.

I learned he actually very complex and it required a lot to be able to carry on his two lives. He gave up so much to feed his addiction. I also knew in the overlap of time I could confirm that most words of kindness or encouragement came while he was with another woman. To this day I still don’t know if that was from guilt or an effort to motivate me in my despair to keep running everything smoothly while he was away.

I definitely relate to the “Boiling Frog Syndrome” and have had to work through some sadness knowing I enabled him to act out because of his consistent years of abuse that became my normal. An addict in recovery also pointed out how people were able to see him a certain way because of the way that I lived and his ability to hide behind me as I constantly covered for him and made excuses for his absences emotionally and physically.

This book explains the “fight or flight mode” and codependency consistent with betrayal trauma. Also forgiving yourself as you were doing your best to survive!

Do things seem off? Are you wondering if your partner is abusive? This book will answer those very questions.