INTERNALIZATION

INTERNALIZATION: in Abandonment Grief Cycle is you internalize the rejection and experience injury to your self-esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to infection and can create permanent scarring. You may be isolated, riddled with insecurity, self-indictment and self-doubt… preoccupied with ‘if only” regrets. “If only” you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You may beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self-image.

These feelings still resonate with me because while married when I would approach him about needing help or felt a disconnect he would tell me how simple he was and all the reasons why our family was falling apart. I didn’t value how hard he works. I was too demanding, I yelled and wanted to live a certain lifestyle. So I would try not to ask questions no matter how much he traveled or was on his phone. I would try harder to ask less of him and do it on my own, to be less frustrated when I didn’t feel like a priority or felt overwhelmed at my responsibilities with little help and would catch him in lies. I would work harder to be more frugal and spend hours trying find the best deal available. I felt I was drowning and being handed bricks yet I kept pulling my handcart with all my kids inside and he was hanging off the back.

I had failed! Seeing pictures, texts and even communicating with some of his other girls helped me see clearer but still I felt I had failed. One night he called and my son asked,”Do you love mom?” He went into detail how he would always love me but that he wasn’t in love with me. He then made a special phone call to tell me the same thing. I was so hurt! We were all confused. I never knew you could give everything to someone..the good and bad and they may never return it. And they also could decide at any time they don’t want to love you anymore. It was crushing and I was so disposable. I didn’t know him and never did yet the vulnerability of that he knew EVERYTHING about me and still chose this? It changed my kids idea that love from those that have committed and promised to to love you and cherish you the most is conditional.

I heard a podcast from Brené Brown on shaming and trying to understand my boys and how I could apply this as I teach them about pornography. On it she gave the definition of love that now hangs in my home. Love is two sided. I fell in love with someone that loved me back as much as he was capable. That the effects of his pornography use enhanced his inability to emotionally connect as well.

Through this journey I am learning that not only do I love so many people but that so many people also love me and my family. It is there because of something we nurtured between each other. There are different levels of love but it helps me believe that one day I can again give all of myself to someone that is willing to give all of themselves to me and with God as our focus together we can love each other unconditionally for our good and our bad.

I say go and tell someone that you love those words and why. To look at a spouse, child or friend and feel Gods love for them in things that aren’t their strengths. We are all imperfect and I know we appreciate the same patience when it is given to us on our own mistakes of learning how to navigate this mortal life with all our imperfections. I love you all for your support as I travel this new life and journey.