I recently was sharing with someone some of the truths I know about my marriage before it ended after 21 years. Many of the situations I spoke of I have not acknowledged in years, let alone actually said them out loud. It was as if the poison inside of me was being extracted as I shared. As we talked at times I became emotional sitting in the hurt for what I felt at the time not even having all the truth.

I was led to believe I was a monster and that it was all my fault. And I not only believed it but I deserved it even as I worked hard to change that. All this happened while he was living a double life and creating what he wanted me to see, feel and believe about myself, us and him.

As I spoke there was empathy or sorrow for my experiences and my response kept being…”It’s okay.” It took him saying to me repeatedly “No! Marni…It’s not okay!” for me to realize what I was trying to convince myself of. Why was I still trying to protect what he did, said or believed?

Why did I have to hide behind the hurt to pretend I was okay or what happened was okay when I know for a fact it was absolutely not okay!

It is not okay that he cheated on me for years or ever. It is not okay that he lied. It is not okay that he put us in a financially difficult situation. It is not okay that he abused my trust in him to live a double life right in front of my face. It’s not okay that he told other women I needed to move on while telling me he wanted to work on us. It is not okay that he lived outside his ethics he created yet judged others for living the exact same way publicly.

There are so many more I could share but some are still too personal and today this is what I can share.

What I learned is I am thankful for the next time I share and someone says.. “I am so sorry!” I can respond with “Thank you. Although I am okay, what he did was not okay!”

Do you find yourself being in situations you feel socially forced to say you are okay or what they did was okay? How can we be honest with ourselves to validate we are either not okay or what was done was also not okay? We can be okay while still validating it was not okay.

#itsokaynottobeokay #betrayaltrauma