It’s Not Your Fault
Not all divorces have “two sides to the story.” I am not saying that divorce isn’t an opportunity to step back and see yourself through a new lens and make changes to better yourself. But if your partner has a secret sexual life..they have information you don’t.
You were doing the best with what you knew at the time. You shared, trusted, believed and loved a person that wasn’t being transparent with you. You being authentic and vulnerable in all your good and bad to the person that is supposed to do the same and protect you does not make their narrative and/or justifications why the marriage ended your fault at all.
Omar Minwalla said, “Having a secret sexual life diverts attention away from the relationship and away from the family. There is a lot of vital energy of nurturance and care. Sometimes love, time, financial resources, emotional resources, sexual attention–all are withdrawn from the relationship as it goes elsewhere.” I so relate.
My ex had a secret sexual life way before we met. It continued through our 21 years of marriage and ultimately is why I chose to be divorced.
When the complexity of him living a double life came to light, there was devastation and relief.
After my D-day I was safety seeking and so confused because of all the years of so many lies. I asked him, “Why me? What did I ever do?” He told me it wasn’t me and that whoever he would have married, the outcome would have been the same. He knew he needed to stop and planned to tell me years later. The responses definitely didn’t make me feel better.
Things were hard at the end and I believed him when he said he wanted to be together, even minutes before I confronted him about the contents on his phone. I trusted that he was simple and the problems in our marriage were me failing.
You can’t put out their fires. Saying “It’s 100% my fault but he/she…” is still not taking accountability at all. You will lose relationships, some sad and others healing. Those that really know you understand and are not looking down on you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today. Stand in THE truth and release the rest. Now you get to choose!
