My Loneliness In My Marriage
I couldn’t understand how I could feel so lonely in my marriage. I was socially taught that the mom set the tone of the home. I do believe that there is some truth in this but between this and what he was wanting me to believe about myself, I took on more responsibility for this than was mine.
It seems the harder I tried to fix and change, contention and toxicity remained looming in the house even though he was gone so much for “work.” I started talking to all ages of women that also had husbands that traveled a lot. Their advice came from assuming my husband was contributing physically, emotionally and spiritually when he was home like theirs did. I was more confused why things seemed to be still so hard. I expressed my feelings to him and he reinforced the simple person he was that required so little.
What I have had to accept now is he didn’t choose me or the life I thought we built together. He chose himself and the chase for something new. Managing his double life was very complicated with all the lies, secrecy and communication with so many other women.
I don’t miss the multiple cell phones in his back pockets or hands constantly competing with our life. So many times in the same house, room, bed, a date or even at kid activities “work” or “his church service” required his immediate attention. I wanted to support him in those things and allowed myself to be the last of every possible priority.
Once the truth came out I realized I had been actually helping support his double life. The impulsiveness to feed his addiction right in front of my face no longer had to be acceptable.
When he moved out a fog was lifted and the home felt cleansed. I thought it was a temporary feeling but the ability for me to be free from unknowingly assisting his darkness has allowed me to be the real me again.
Now I value the recognition of the lack of an emotional connection in my first marriage because I can never live that way ever again. Having experienced otherwise in my new marriage I feel so much for my old self in the absence of connection.
What do you do to emotionally connect with those you love?
