I love when I have gratitude instead of angst in a photo memory.

This picture was 6 years ago and I was carrying way more than the heavy backpack. I was lonely, frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted and sad. I couldn’t understand why marriage felt so hard.

I had spent hours trying to find a way to have a family vacation without spending much money because we were “saving for our families future.” He was distant emotionally and physically contributing very little except financially yet I was used to that. I willingly put myself last and he let me.

A year later I found myself fighting for him in unhealthy ways trying to save our marriage. He told me he didn’t think we were a good match. I had believed all the many times he told me how lucky he felt and that we absolutely were a great match even days before the D-day.

But he had information I didn’t and now I also know that we are not a good match. Taking a step back I knew I would never even date the person he really was and questioned what I was fighting for? I didn’t know who he was and what I thought I loved wasn’t real.

I later saw on that trip he had taken selfies sending them to girls and he spent more money in a night on a girl than our whole family vacation. I made a really great shield for him to be seen as the person he was trying to portray in our life.

I’m still glad I fought because that’s who I am. The time that was the most difficult and what seemed the saddest has become my greatest gift and blessing. Him not choosing me was devastating but saved me.

For me, the opportunity to be divorced allowed me to know that I shouldn’t be the one carrying the weight of my marriage and his happiness. How can anyone be happy living two separate lives?

I love that part of my journey is to have more gratitude for where I am now and to be with Mark. This is how it was always meant to be for me.

I have so much empathy for those sitting in their darkest spaces right now because of someone else’s agency. I know that you didn’t live in a way that the consequences are remotely fair.

You are loved! There is hope in your journey.

#hope#infidelity#divorce#remarriage#betrayaltrauma#healing#selfworth