RAGE: in the Abandonment Cycle. Rage is a turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to reverse the rejection by refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and you may feel surges of rage against your abandoner. You rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in.
I love that they use the word rage because so often we are taught that anger is a negative quality. I had never before experienced this emotion so strongly before and wanted it to go away. Yet through therapy I learned how healthy it is to go through as I heal. It is not at all appropriate to misuse it especially on our kids but this is what breaks us through internalization to the reality of righting the wrong. It made me aware this was not about me and I was done being manipulated.
I love the analogy that I have been in a Fun House looking in a distorted mirror and it’s the anger that helps me realize I have stepped out of the Fun House to now see everything for what it really is. And now I feel the magnitude of the grief and pain of the truth, abuse and consequences. And it’s hard to see those that are still in the Fun House especially because they don’t want to step out to see it for its truth.
Anger brings up the truth and is the vehicle to reality and makes us aware. Grief and fear can be masked in anger. But I also believe it’s going through this process that we can access the Atonement. It’s what brings us to our knees to turn it over to the Savior because we have honored the truth and are ready to let go. This event happens in pieces and is not a single event.
I was so done having his choices keep hurting us. I wanted him to also recognize the truth and what was really happening. But through this it helped me also understand he is sick and to see what justifications he has made to be able to do what he does. That the anger can help me but not help him change or understand. He has to want to change. So part of letting go of the anger was letting go of my role to encourage him to want to change. Watching us cry or be angry didn’t make things change.
I like this podcast from BTR.org on understanding how anger can be helpful.