One of my New Years resolutions is to finally release any responsibility I have felt in any of his choices.

Early on in my recovery I learned about how emotionally abusive my marriage was with DARVO and gaslighting but it took me until our divorce to finally see the blame shifting as well.

My ex was talking with our friends and others stating “It is 100% my fault but Marni…” Even after my big D-day he told me I made him look at porn or spend money on women because of all sorts of reasons I absorbed. But now he was even saying things including he hadn’t been happy for a long time. It was really upsetting at first because I had felt a responsibility in my marriage to make and keep him happy. I believed I deserved what he had done.

I knew I wasn’t perfect but had tried to be the best wife and mom I knew how. My therapist immediately created clarity for me and consoled my concerns with “Well, that’s convenient! When was he going to tell you that?” And the crazy part was after I found his phone I asked him if he ever intended on telling me. His reply was “I knew I needed to stop what I was doing eventually and then I figured in about 10-12 years I would tell you what happened.” I was dumbfounded and said “And what did you think my reaction was going to be then?!!” Apparently he hadn’t thought about that part yet.

Processing what he was saying helped me know that he wasn’t taking 100% responsibility of anything he claimed but instead was putting it back on me. Luckily most people he talked to already knew that but it took me a lot longer to know.

My therapist and I worked through only a dozen hard truths that I knew without a doubt! And every single one of them were HIS choices completely separate to me. He chose to live outside what he claimed his value system was. He chose to lie, cheat, steal, abuse his wife, kids, family, friends, associates and even some business co-workers as well. He believed he was just hurting himself but his choices effected more than I will ever comprehend. Even they are still healing as well.

I have learned that the lies he had to tell himself to justify what he chose to do is beyond my comprehension. And I can imagine there is truth to being unhappy because how can you live this way and truly be happy? It couldn’t be because of himself so it had to be because of me. I am thankful I don’t understand it because it’s a dark place to be in or come from. Instead I have had to learn to let go of what isn’t mine and try and understand addiction better. Only then have I had a better understanding of what really has happened and just maybe where he is coming from.

Marni Bown @marnibown #blameshifting #emotionalabuse #darvo #gaslighting #divorce #addiction