The best thing I ever did after his divorce text was to get myself to a therapist. I approached my first session defending him making sure she knew that I was filled with so many flaws. Sharing my true thoughts and STARVED issues was one of the scariest things I have ever done. I was prepared and feared she would tell me the same things he would when I would try to express my feelings. Instead I was heard, validated and given resources, hope and a vocabulary of what I was feeling. The relief I felt was like someone was giving me a helping hand in the hole I was trying to crawl out of instead of more bricks. There was also a deep sadness confirming that my marriage was very unhealthy.
I was finally able to meet with him and he shared that he didn’t have STARVED issues. He explained he was a very simple person and didn’t require a lot. I asked about porn and affairs and again it was a “no.” He told me he feared God more than me and the last thing he wanted was to add another woman in his life especially because he was too busy. Then with my pen and paper ready I wrote down all the things he told me I needed to work on. I shared my STARVED stuff and promised a clean slate moving forward. We were going to preserve our marriage together and fight for our family. I was excited to take my list to my therapist to get started on working on me. And for months I did this ever week.
But I thank my lucky stars often that he never wanted to go to couples therapy. Because what I didn’t know at the time was I was married to a sex addict. And although we are two imperfect people in a marriage with STARVED issues most of our problems stemmed from an addiction I didn’t know about yet. While he was proactively going down darker rabbit holes I was working so hard everyday. Because I promised I would trust him he used that instead to get sloppy in his cover ups and the excuses seemed absurd but I promised I would trust him.
After the discovery I learned he wasn’t a simple man but was managing two lives and that is why he was emotionally, physically and spiritually removed. Suddenly my feelings made sense and I had clarity with the real truth. I now didn’t wonder what was totally wrong with me and I knew the way I felt wasn’t completely ridiculous but valid.
I am a huge advocate for therapy for everyone! I am so thankful for the resources available for betrayal trauma. Check out these amazing resources to help with betrayal trauma therapy and sex addiction geared towards working alone or with a loved one: