teal illustration
SHATTERING: in Abandonment Grief. This word is so fitting because when I found his work phone at 2AM on Christmas morning my whole identity was in question. I had enjoyed Christmas Eve as a family doing our usual traditions and now saw the truth of what was really happening. While I was setting up Christmas downstairs and my children were upstairs watching a movie with their dad or so I thought. I now know that he was actually on the phone with a prostitute in the bathroom on the other side of the door of them. Then after the kids were in bed we said couples prayers and kissed good night both crawling into bed. But while I went to sleep excited for the morning he was sexting this same person and making plans for their next trip until he fell asleep leaving a bright open phone that woke me up to find and read. My life, heart, brain and soul was shattered. I can’t believe I kept it together hours later on that Christmas morning. I remember just watching him videoing and laughing as if all was normal while I stood there stunned staring at him because now I had seen the truth. I know now that our gifts to Mexico as a family and a car for me because I believe he loved me so much was all a lie! I now know that he stopped most of his financial support and interactions for different prostitute/stripper because she wanted him to get her a car. Now there was clarity for his out of character impulse purchase of getting me a car after 10 years and why he felt so proud of himself for doing it too. He thought he should get him wife a car instead of this other girl.
Suddenly I had no identity and didn’t know what was real or not. And how did I not know? I was shattered!
In “Journey from Abandonment to Healing” Susan Anderson says, “Shattering is not unique to abandonment. It is the initial stage of all types of grief where significant loss is involved. But the shattering of abandonment is special. Your loss was not due to a death, but because someone acted on free will not to be with you.” I now saw how many times he had not chosen me AND the kids. It hurt so terribly I was numb.
A great podcast by Dorothy Maryon helped explain why I felt so shattered and what happened to my construct. My kids and I still try to make sense of what was real and not real. Sadly all of us have memories of the past that didn’t make sense at the time but now with seeing the truth we can make sense and feel the hurt of the betrayal that happened right in front of our eyes.
Here is a link to the podcast:
Have you experienced shattering in your life as it relates to relational and/or emotional abandonment?
If you are looking for resources to help with Betrayal Trauma, btr.org is amazing.