“Should I Stay or Should I Go”

They say it takes two to tango or there’s two sides to every story. And in a relationship that struggles because of the weaknesses and negative dynamics of each other..this is true. But what I thankfully learned early on after my discovery was that because he came into our relationship and functioned within it making unhealthy choices that led to addiction, most ideas and advice given on how to handle conflict and difficulty to a couple would have been harmful because the problems mostly stemmed from the choices and addiction. It was not a couples issue to fix. No doubt I am not perfect and make plenty of mistakes every single day, but by the time we started in couples therapy he was an addict and had made major compromises to his family and himself to get the dopamine hit he needed.

After I found his work phone I didn’t know what to do so I texted my therapist at 4:30AM on Christmas morning. I told her some of what I saw with the amount of girls, the contents of conversations and pictures. Her response was that she thought he was a sex addict. I thought it couldn’t be possible! What I soon learned was that like other addictions, this one is also fueled by anxiety, depression or other deep-seeded emotional vulnerabilities – not by reason and rationale. It’s an intimacy and relationship disorder and usually has very little to do with sex. I went to an addiction recovery support group and was enlightened about Betrayal Trauma and the proper therapy for my kids and myself moving forward. I feel so blessed because I know so many that have sat through several sessions of couples therapy when the addict has to want to make changes and get help in order for the relationship to heal. And still in any divorce there are two stories but I know my truth and this is not my fault. Nothing the kids or I did or didn’t do could have helped or changed our situation.

Here are some of the Betrayal Trauma Resources I appreciate where you can find a therapist, couples therapist, support groups and even 12 step programs specific to sex addiction and Betrayal Trauma:

Betrayal Trauma Recovery: https://www.btr.org/

(Photo taken from https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Surviving-Narcissistic-Relationship/dp/1618688782)

I hope you can share this to someone you know that may be trying to “fix” a marriage that can’t be traditionally fixed. That the victim can find some self care and personal therapy in Betrayal Trauma to make sense of what they are feeling and be validated. This is for all cases if wanting to work it out and be together or if the choice, like me, was to leave. There are so many amazing resources for both sides of healing. I know of so many success stories for those wanting to get help.