Suicide ideation is a PTSD symptom in betrayal trauma.

After he texted he wanted a divorce I fell into a dark space. My marriage, family, and life was failing and it was all my fault. I was unfixable.

Despairing thoughts filled my mind and I knew the best answer to solve everything was to just disappear and go away forever! I believed that my husband and kids were better off without me and it was the best scenario for everyone. I didn’t want to add to the tragedy by personally taking my own life but I did realize there was the perfect upcoming solution. I was having a surgery to repair a broken ankle and so I plead with God to not have me wake up but instead have me slide away silently. I convinced God all the reasons why I knew this was the best option and how I would need His help.

The morning of my surgery I said my last prayer and left letters I wrote to each of my boys. I drove away from my home sad as I was saying goodbye but content that I had lived my life the best I knew how.

Instead I woke up and with that came an extra drive to fight more for my family, marriage and kids. I knew God had a different plan for me and I needed His help to understand what it was.

What I didn’t know at the time was my husband had been living a double life the entirety of our marriage and I had lived with limited information. The emotional abuse was so bad skewing my perceptions that because I trusted him, he hand led me into the darkness he created. Letting go floated me quickly to the light and I haven’t looked back since.

I love my life and my children. I love all I have learned and witnessed in other people. I love valuing old relationships and all my new encounters with people I would’ve otherwise not known. Some I now can’t live without.

I am grateful each day I get to live. I love learning and feeling the daily joys of life. I love rediscovering and relishing in things that make me grow and feel positively.

Ultimately I am gladly reminded that God knows what is best for me. He knew what He had in store for me. I was willing and He lead the way.

If you are feeling this way, you are not alone but PLEASE reach out and share with someone.

#hope