My September Club recommendation for May is “The Book of Forgiving” by Desmond Tutu & Mpho Tutu.

I recommend this book often because it hits upon multiple and crucial parts of the forgiveness process. It gave me the permission I needed to really unchain myself from the marriage and person. I do not want to push anyone into forgiveness prematurely but I also know that forgiving ourselves is one of the heaviest tasks.

My betrayals have been difficult but I can’t even imagine the emotions of being involved in an apartheid. I respect that instead of revenge the people chose to tread the difficult path of confession, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

I am always amazed at how people project on a victim their definition of this subject. Your experience is unique to you and you are the only one that really knows your truth. Don’t let anyone decide what your healing should look like or in what time frame it should be. Especially when you are repeatedly working to forgive ongoing offenses. Their uncomfortableness in your healing and timetable is not your responsibility, it is theirs.

The Four Fold Path is:

1. Tell your story. This allows you to process the events, and integrate them and it allows you to reclaim your dignity. You might have had no control over what happened, but you can create your own narrative of it.

2. Name your hurt. This step moves past facts to the feelings behind them. It creates the vulnerable motivation needed for change.

3. Granting forgiveness. Being able to do this lies in your motivation to free yourself from a lifetime of victimhood. It is between you and God and faith that He will uphold His laws. There is no timeline and this looks different for everyone. Ignore those judging you in this process.

4. Renewing or releasing the relationship. This is permission to continue with boundaries or to just end and let go.

What is your experience with forgiveness?

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