The Concept Of The Duck

Early on in my therapy I learned the “concept of the duck.”

He and I are both looking at a duck and I point and name it. His response is that it is not a duck but a porcupine. I’m shocked and in my mind it looks like a duck, talks like a duck, waddles like a duck…so it has to be a duck. He quickly disagrees.

I go and get my eyes checked, I research about ducks and even bring other experts to get their opinions. All evidence points to the true fact that is a duck despite what he says, thinks or even believes. Bringing forth the valuable concept that “his truth is not THE truth.”

I have never had a reason to know this was real until his truth came out. I had never been so deceived by someone I loved especially the one I was married to for 21 years.

I am a victim of betrayal trauma because the perpetrator was also the person I turned to for care, comfort and safety. The gaslighting and emotional abuse was heavy and happened so slowly over time it became our new normal. I lost things I knew to be true because I trusted him. He still faults and mocks me for trusting him.

But once I had even an inkling of the truth I was relieved to no longer believe him it was a porcupine. His loss of control was a new side to see and he criticized my reactions in believing my truth and trusting in myself again. I didn’t have to believe the narrative he told himself so he could justify and do all the things he did. I am so thankful I don’t understand where he’s coming from because it is a really dark place I don’t ever want to comprehend.

In my healing I know I am not perfect but I know I am the mom, sister, friend and person I have always been. I know that so many people around me since I was young to now can say I really am me. It didn’t come by chance but because of multiple deliberate decisions I’ve made in a hour, week, year and life.

I know that I can’t put out all his fires of how he wants to see me or have others see me. I know that when he shows up to an empty house after being told nobody is home supports what he wants to believe that I don’t communicate with him.

But I know the truth and have worked hard to know it. “His truth is not THE truth.”

Do you know your truth? What have you relearned about yourself now separating your truth from his?

#emotionalabuse #betrayaltrauma #truth #hope