Trust is an interesting concept. After all my emotional abuse and betrayal trauma I have had a hard time trusting others. I am a naturally trusting person so those that earn it have easily been given it back. Unfortunately in my marriage he lied often and I still trusted him more than my own judgement. He abused that strength of mine to use to his advantage. Now the one person that I have had the hardest time trusting in is myself.


After the truth surfaced I felt so dumb for living with someone for over 21 years and not knowing. There are so many things that make sense now that didn’t at the time. How did he live a double life the whole time I knew him and I never knew?! Either I was just that trusting or he was just that good at lying and deceiving. My current conclusion is that I think it was both.


I’ve learned a phrase “How was I supposed to know what I don’t know until I find out?” For some reason I hold myself accountable in the past with the knowledge I have now. Even still there are many conversations that we had that now when I say them out loud and I can’t believe I actually believed him. Or even the times that I actually stood up or defended him and he didn’t even have to say a word. I am so glad I can’t understand where he is coming from knowing you are lying to everyone around you including the ones you proclaim to love and protect and instead watch them confused hurting and it is still not enough to make changes to avoid that again.


What I have learned is patience with myself as I practice trusting myself. There were times in my marriage that I felt he had changed, I didn’t know who he was, and I felt betrayed by his constant lying. I even communicated this all to him. After he texted he wanted a divorce I wrote down for the first time real feelings and thoughts I had surrounding my marriage including pornography was an issue and that he was having an affair. I knew…I just couldn’t fathom that I really knew.


Trust in myself takes practice, consistency and time. I’ve submitted to listening to my instincts still, asking questions and be willing to not be right. More often my intuition is spot on.

How have you relearned to trust yourself?