Trust is an interesting concept. After all the emotional abuse and betrayal trauma I have had a hard time trusting others. I am a naturally trusting person so those that earn it have easily been given it back. Unfortunately in my last marriage he lied often and I still trusted him more than my own judgement. He abused that strength of mine to use to his advantage. Now the one person that I have had the hardest time trusting in is myself.

After the truth surfaced I felt so dumb for living with someone for over 21 years and not knowing. There are so many things that make sense now that didn’t at the time. How did he live a double life the WHOLE time I knew him and I never knew?! Either I was just that trusting or he was just that good at lying and deceiving. My current conclusion is that it was both.

I’ve learned a phrase “How was I supposed to know what I don’t know until I find out?” I have held myself accountable in the past with the knowledge I have now. Even still there are so many conversations that we had that now I can’t believe I actually believed him. Or even the times that I actually stood up or defended him and he didn’t even have to say a word because I believed the person he showed me. I am so glad I can’t understand where he is coming from. Knowing you are lying to everyone around you, including yourself and the ones you proclaim to love and protect. To watch them confused hurting and it is still not enough to make changes is a dark place.

What I have learned is patience with myself as I practice trusting myself. There were times in that marriage I felt he had changed, I didn’t know who he was, and I felt betrayed by his constant lying. I even communicated this all to him. After he texted he wanted a divorce I wrote down for the first time real feelings and thoughts I had surrounding our marriage including pornography being an issue and that he was having an affair. I knew…I just couldn’t fathom that I really knew. I see now how often my intuition was spot on.

Trusting in myself takes practice, consistency and time. I am thankful for Mark and his patience in this process. At times he can also relate.

How have you relearned to trust yourself?