I did it! And actually WE did it! We made it one year to D day! As I anticipated the potential worst because of some nightmares and trigger tears from my youngest I reached out for suggestions and help to know what to do. I prayed specifically to not even let my subconscious give him anymore of me!
I am so thankful for prayer and that it ended up the most magnificent, special and magical few days. I see my kids through a new lens because they are so loving, strong and resilient. I became more human to them because they have seen me at my darkest times. We have a relationship I wouldn’t ever want to change. I made a movie recap of 2019 and as we watched it I literally saw us evolve, change and grow to what I couldn’t be more thankful for. We are better and happier than even before we knew the truth! The Spirit is consistently present in our home and we are more proactive in being more patient with eachother. We serve, appreciate and love eachother more.
I have always done all the details and traditions of Christmas but this year was especially empowering because I did it!!! And I recognize that I have been doing it for years. Not much changed after he moved out, especially because he traveled so much for “work.” Life went on as normal and my kids are healthy and thriving. I feel more peace and comfort in knowing I am not crazy and was able to get off the treadmill of trying to change and fix myself to make us better when really it wasn’t me. That the unsettling feelings that something wasn’t right was spot on. I don’t have to cover for his lies or uninvolvement anymore. I don’t miss the feelings of loneliness because he wouldn’t communicate with me and was so emotionally disconnected. He actually asked me last year if I had bought anything for myself so he could wrap it and have something to give me on Christmas morning! Those are the kind of examples that help me feel a huge burden lifted because now I see the truth.
At times it makes me sad and confused to think I thought we had a happy healthy marriage but I also see how it is a part of my learning curve in my new life. Cheers to new beginnings!
Thank you to everyone that sent us encouragement and love that night. I was so appreciative to be thought about on Christmas Eve by so many that called and texted. I even had offers from friends willing to take a phone call at any hour of the night. I ended up having one of my best friends stay on the phone with me all night long just in case I woke up. So blessed!
I slept well and feel beyond joyous. I am sending extra love to everyone because you are all my angels on Earth! We have definitely thrived because of your love, support and prayers. So thank you!! And thanks for the sweet gift of the buffalo check jammies too.