Over a year ago I was challenged through therapy to express my feelings on my betrayal trauma and how I saw myself while writing it down. I just found it and wanted to share.

“So here I stand stunned, looking at and picking up the pieces that represent my life. Seeing my reflection on the ground in the shattered mirror at recollections that now when I turn them to the side they double as an image that shows me a different truth to my original memory and it is so distressing I don’t even want to put it back into my puzzle. I want to leave it there damaged to be absorbed into the earth yet I know its me and its my existence. It is what makes me who I am right now. And as hurtful as it is to put that piece back in its place I am forced to and sadly it fits almost perfectly. And its there for me every time I look at myself in my newly reconstructed mirror as a painful reminder that has the potential to display a freshly restored impression.

So now I am working on my image and what I truly see in my broken and rebuilt mirror. And what I want to do is create a mural border wall of more failed mirror pieces that can encircle my image with a hug of safety, love and self forgiveness. I want to expand it so my image is a stronger and more beautiful reflection of me. This is who I am. This is how I want to see myself. And I need to stop trying to cut new pieces to replace the old wounding ones because I can’t ever really remove them when a new replacement won’t ever fit. Instead I need to focus on adding another dimension of self love to each piece so when I look at it straight on there is clarity in the healing that can be seen to help replace the offensive 3D vision of what I thought was my truth and the real truth.

I am trying to confront it straight on and when I have the courage it feels much better to look at me. Even the beaten and irregular me. And I feel more peace. Weirdly at times I even feel more whole. Not because it’s gone but because I can see myself more clearly when I look at my distorted image.” -Marni Bown 3/2020

#betrayaltrauma #addiction #divorce #healing #shatteredworld #hope #gaslighting #minimizing #darvo #emotionalabuse