Is that an apology?
Are you waiting for an apology? Hang in there because that may never happen.
I have so many clients that the offender is the one holding them to the Christlike way they live to their standard of demanding forgiveness. They feel they have moved on and wonder how long they will be accountable to what they picked? The answer is there is no timeline in forgiveness or boundaries. Most often they have been making choices without your knowledge way before you came to know the truth and so the shock of the betrayal will take longer for you to process. Even if you have found forgiveness, you still can set boundaries that they may not like. They made many choices but when you get to choose for you…they will probably kick back. You are not unforgiving, un-Christlike, bitter, selfish or unreasonable. It is not your responsibility to shield them from the consequences of their choices.
Do not feel you can’t have boundaries because it makes those around you feel awkward. They don’t know your story and when they push you into what feels uncomfortable it’s only another layer of betrayal. Your healing timeline may be forever. Often we are still interacting with someone that continues to be hurtful and requires consistent forgiveness.
What does an apology really look like? If you even get one, it can feel like it is more for them than for you. This one is your call. My therapist told me early on that anything that includes “It was 100% my fault but you…” is not an apology. Also, that you will know it is a real apology because they will do EVERYTHING in their power to make it right.
I have heard from addicts in recovery that the pain and anguish of actually accepting that the many deceptive choices they made that were destructive emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, financially and existentially to those they had promised to love and protect is so great, it would be very difficult to ever dare visit there.
The good news is you can forgive without ever telling your offender. It is between you and God and a belief that He will uphold His laws. The peace you can have choosing in your life is the best feeling ever.
