Only me carrying a heavy backpack is common in many family pictures we took. To me it represents so much more than his lack of being a gentleman.


In my backpack I carried so many beliefs that he told me I was. He told me I was mean and I felt like a monster. He told me I was demanding and so I asked less of him. He told me I thought money grew on trees so I worked ridiculously hard to spend less even on the necessities. He told me I didn’t value how hard he worked so I did more to make up the difference. I wasn’t allowed to cry but anger was what he grew up with so that was acceptable. Yet if I felt overwhelmed, frustrated or angry I was a tyrant or his mom. I was dumbfounded when I learned that by giving me so much responsibility it gave him the control to do all that he wanted so easily. My strengths enabled him and sadly I thought we were a team.


Because I thought he was my partner that protected and loved me I confided in him my insecurities and difficult situations. Instead of support he reinforced me being as horrible as he wanted me to believe. Disgustingly he told me lies the kids felt the same way all while saying things to them behind my back.


With truth I now know he didn’t want to deal with someone that could feel anything. He was used to porn that has no emotion or relationship attached. Prostitutes live out porn and because their goal is to extract money they will be and say whatever needs to be heard.


He needed justification to do what he did. No doubt I have made mistakes but even if all the things he said are true, I still didn’t deserve what he did. All that he did were choices he made because that’s what he deliberately chose to do.
I love being able to feel, communicate and express myself. I know I can cry and that even anger isn’t a bad emotion handled correctly. I love the weight lifted from me when I wasn’t with him anymore. He still gaslights me in my head at times but I’m learning to know better. And with the people in my my life that hold integrity I know what he said was his perception.


How do you see yourself differently now that you are removed from their influence? How has having truth changed your perspective?